A lot of people have asked me recently why I haven’t blogged in some time…and honestly it’s because I’ve been living. Like really living, going out and experiencing. My life took some drastic and devastating turns since March and I wasn’t coping with them how I should’ve. I was a wreck pretty much. I lost my aunt and my relationship of 5 years went to shit all at the same time. I was also stressing these classes I was in that would literally determine whether or not I could move on in my school career. I just had too much on my plate and I wanted the world to just slow down and stop spinning for one second. And it did, or at least mine did. When all the bad things kind of drifted, I went numb. I stayed in my room for weeks, in the dark…crying an amount I didn’t know was possible and sleeping. I basically only left my room to eat or use the bathroom/shower. I always kept my shades closed and rarely saw the sun (believe me, all my friends would laugh at how pale I was.) But then I got up, gained some strength and started living.
My life is again spinning at a rapid pace, but it’s a fun one. In fact, this time I’m not letting the world spin around me ; I’m spinning with it. I am going out and socializing. I am laughing and I am dancing. I am making memories with people I truly love and love me. My two best friends, Suzanna and Bianca will tell you, they’ve seen it all with me. The good, the bad, the in betweens. Some days I’m hysterical and some days I’m a bitch. They’ve experienced the many sides of me.
Some people may think I’m going out and having too much fun, trying to numb pain that I don’t talk about often, maybe their right. Some may think it’s about time I’ve been living and making decisions for me…the thing is I don’t care. I don’t care what anyone says because I truly am having the best times I’ve ever had. I think about all that time I wasted being in a relationship I knew was going to fail. Or blaming myself for things I can’t change. Why? I literally remember being okay with settling for something I knew I wasn’t 1000% sure of. I would look at my life, with my so thought “perfect” boyfriend and say, “this is my life and my future so, that’s that.” As if I didn’t have a choice in the matter! HA HA! It’s like we both knew we didn’t want it forever, but we’re so involved already we kind of just said fuck it. I accepted not being true to myself and I think that bothers me the most. Now, I go out and I am so me I don’t know who I ever was pretending or trying to be before. Some wanna-be wife type that wants to stay home and cook dinners and binge watch shows I didn’t even like. I have the rest of my life to do that. I’m not the girl at the party that is going to sit on your lap and keep you company. I am going to dance, with or without you. I’m not the perfect little step-ford, conservative looking girl. I’ve got my long hair swaying in messy waves, my tattoos and a couple scars. And I love it. I love everything about who I am. I am so unapologetically myself and it took a lot of bad things and people and situations to make me bloom. I am honest, so honest that maybe sometimes it causes me to be in awkward situations. If I like you, I’ll tell you…no games. And if I don’t, I’ll tell you why. I am no longer afraid of what anyone says or does because it can’t hurt me anymore. And it’s easier to know what’s the right move for me. I can easily stop talking to people that cause me more drama and stress than happiness. One, two, gone. I don’t dwell on anything either. Once I make a decision about something, I follow through.
This I assume, is what being happy and living life for you is. It also is a healthy mindset. I’m rambling in this post…I know. But I guess what I’m trying to say is be true to yourself, all your shades, colors and forms. And don’t apologize for being you. Once you’ve managed to look at yourself and be happy with the person you are inside and out, I’m told you start glowing like you’re falling in love for the first time. And I’m glowing so bright, because I’ve finally fell in love with myself and know what makes me happy and feel good. Now, the world’s opened up and I am ready to explore.