If you couldn’t tell by my previous posts, I am newly single. A 23- year old girl just out and about in the world. I just got out of a five year relationship. I know, crazy right? What’s actually crazy is that I planned my life according to the relationship, rather than planning towards goals and dreams I aspired. Five years is a long time to commit to anything or anyone in my head. I’m actually a bit of a commitment-phobe. I don’t like making decisions or commitments to really anything because knowing myself, it’s very hard for me to stick with certain things without feeling restrained or suffocated. I like having options. I guess that’s what makes me such an indecisive person. I don’t like being told or feeling like anything is final, the last and only choice. I joke with people and tell them, I can only really commit to my tattoos and pizza. I joke yes, but in actuality…(although I hate to admit it) it’s sort of true. My tattoos are with me regardless about how I feel about them and pizza, well…it’s just a given that I could never give that up (if you know me, you know the obsession.) It’s funny though because ideally I am a hopeless romantic. I fall in love with books I read and I crave a love so deep that would it would pleasurably drown me and satisfy my every need. But real talk, I’m not really about all that. Eventually, I see myself settling down with a nice, charming husband whom I love, with about three children and a dog or two. The house and the whole scene of the married and happy life. But, I love my life and I want to do the things I want to do.
I was never a girl to dream about her wedding. In fact, I never even believed in marriage. To a degree I think it’s because I was brought up seeing my parents as merely a unit rather than two people in love. I just thought that’s what it is, two people that I call parents and raise me. I don’t believe in the fairy tale as much as I want it. It’s not really practical. I guess that’s because at a young age I knew of heartbreak, deceit and things people at my age didn’t know. I was always one step ahead. For those who don’t know me, I come from divorced parents…so obviously that plays a part in who I am. I don’t blame my parents or the fact that they got divorced on my outlook of love solely. I’m sure it influenced my beliefs but I don’t think it’s the dominant reason. I’ve seen plenty of happy marriages and people that truly still love and crave each other after kids and years and years of marriage. I salute them. It is so honorable and admirable for people to love and need another human in that way. I’m just not sure that’s who I am. At least right now. I know, I’m told all the time, “I’m young, I’ll get there one day,” I don’t doubt it. Even with the failure of my five year relationship, I don’t doubt that someday I’ll find my happy ever after. It’s just how I am as a person, I think, that really plays a part. The problem with me I suppose is that I don’t feel like I need it. Even in my past relationship, I always wondered about things that I may not do or places I might not go. I always questioned myself and the relationship. I thought for a while this was just silly and normal. Now I know it’s just that I’m more self-involved.
I love differently. Believe me when I say, if you are apart of my life or even was apart of my life at one point, I love you. I always will, no matter who you are or what you did. I tend to overlook everyone’s flaws and love them endlessly. Anyone I’ve ever loved, relationship wise, friends, family…I love them all because they played a part in making me who I am today. I just see them and love them in a different light now. It takes a lot out of me to truly love anyone though. It seems like a natural thing but it’s difficult thing for me to do. I’m bad at showing it, I get that a lot. I won’t bother or take time out to prove to anyone I care really. It’s not that I don’t, I just don’t go the extra mile unless I feel it’s necessary. I feel like the people I do already know. And that’s how I love differently. Anyone who is close to me can confirm I am loyal, trust-worthy and I shower them with love…but I am closed off to a certain point. I’ve grown to hide away a part of me because the idea of giving myself completely to someone makes me feel like I am being diminished. I am whole without anyone. I belong to myself. Once I feel like I am being relied on by someone, I tense up. I don’t like to feel like I am responsible for other peoples’ happiness. I do think it’s because of how I grew up. Most days, I relied on other people to make me feel whole or happy until one day I stood face to face with my worst enemy, myself. I realized that there wasn’t anyone else in this world that could make me happy if I couldn’t be happy with myself. And just like that, I will dispose of anything that makes me unhappy. I do recall in numerous relationships I have or had that the person I am with or friends with feeling like I could go days without talking to them, completely unfazed. That’s because I was. It doesn’t bother me to be alone. I actually enjoy my “me” time. Don’t’ get me wrong, it does get lonely…but I am confident and comfortable enough with myself to be content with my status. Honestly, the relationship I have with myself (which I work on everyday) is the best relationship I’ve got. I am growing to be more and more happy with myself everyday. And if by some chance someone comes along and changes my status of me, myself and I, especially without question or doubt…that will be the day that I am convinced. My family is a definite and amazing example- but that’s unconditional. My friends, they already know that I love them and they are apart of my life. But I’ve never known a love greater than the ones I read in books or the one I have with myself. And the man that is able to top either of those…well I just know that it will be one hard shell to crack…but it will be worth everything.
Love is different for everyone and just because you love differently, doesn’t mean you don’t know how to. Just because someone doesn’t love the way you do, doesn’t mean they’re not giving their all.
So love with everything you got, because like they say, love makes the world go ’round.